I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
