My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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