Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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