It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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