Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
