Just cropdusted the office
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
