make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
