I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
