Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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