i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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