Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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