Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
