Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize