I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Still dying that you shit outside
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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