My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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