i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
