Where did you get a picture of my penis
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
