why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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