You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
