Will you blow on my dice?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
