I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
