I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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