Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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