for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
