how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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