I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize