Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
