DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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