So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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