i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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