I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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