omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
