her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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