someone threw a dead crab at me
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Its about making memories worth repressing
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize