operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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