Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize