Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
