dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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