Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
