he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
