just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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