Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
