I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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