Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
