I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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