I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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