I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
