Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
