i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
