the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
