she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
