You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
