I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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