I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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