She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
