Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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