Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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