"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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