OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize