did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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