I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
